I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
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