I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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