can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
