you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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