apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
