at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
