It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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