i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
