I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize