well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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