2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
