three words: i give head
three words: not that well
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
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