Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
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