You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
