She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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