peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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