she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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