I heard we made out
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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