you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
