You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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