your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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