Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
