Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
