Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
