I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
