I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
