Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
