My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
