I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize