i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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