tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
the liver wants what the liver wants
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
