im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I need moral support for this bender
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
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