using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
