So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Be still, my beating vagina.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
