the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
