ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
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