I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
