I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
