"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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