i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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