when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize