After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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