I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
