Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
