just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Randomize