how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
