So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
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