i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
