I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
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