Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
