I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
