she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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