Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
