Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
