If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Randomize
