I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Randomize
