you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
