Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
