someone threw a dead crab at me
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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