I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
