I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.â€
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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