I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
