better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
