i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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